Showing posts with label Conspiracy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conspiracy. Show all posts
Upcoming Internet Porn Removal Sparks Revolution
While the bill will most likely be defeated before it hits the floor, government officials will most likely repackage the bill and try to get it passed as an anti cyber terrorism bill. "Well," said a Cincinatti local, "If it's for our nation's security, it might be for the best."
America asks God to step down
In a surprise move Wednesday, the
Concerns over God's tenure arose due to the recent number of people who have been killed under His watch. Hilary Clinton said, "God has lost the confidence of his people and he should go without further bloodshed and violence. The
"We are moving quickly on a
series of steps to hold our Lord and savior accountable for His violation of
human rights and to mobilize a strong response from the international
community," Clinton
said. Unfortunately, he does not have an email or physical address to send our letter to."
Despite criticism of NATO,
Albanian President Bamir Topi left no uncertainty about God’s future.
“He should leave,” said Topi, signaling to the infinite-year-old dictator
that his days are numbered. "Life in Albania is awful, and I hold Him responsible."
The group, "Doctors without Borders" issued its first report on medical facilities around the world on Saturday. After
surveying over three million medical centers, the group said the
facilities have, "managed to deal with the numbers of wounded people and medical needs. However, the hospitals have shortages of medical equipment, including dressings for wounds, sutures and anesthesia drugs," the group said. "And this, too, is God’s fault."
When asked who will lead once God
steps down, America
responded, “Gee, we never thought about that. I guess… I guess we will.”
I hate all these laws!
Take diving boards, for instance. Totally fun, right? I agree. Yet "the man" has to take them away from all our swimming pools. Come on! Here's why we need diving boards back. Number one, fathers have to assume the role of "diving board," flinging their kid in the air. It looks pathetic, the kid never gets high enough to do anything cool, and the father gets tired. How many unnecessary shoulder operations occur each year because Dad blew out his arm flipping his fat kid? Probably more than you think. Second, if that same fat kid slips on a diving board, it's jackpot city for me.
How about all these "warning labels" on food products. Here's why they need to come off. Firstly, if someone were to, say, choke on a marshmallow, maybe they deserve to die. I mean, if we don't let him eliminate himself, he'll be the guy fucking up your drive-thru order. Second, labels limit a company's liability. Do you know how much a wrongful death suit is worth? A fucking lot.
Don't even get me started on "mandatory drug tests." Jesus! What happened to the land of the free? The bottom line, people, is we as a nation need to rise up and take back what was taken from us. Only then can we enjoy our freedom. Real freedom. Like freedom to do what we want, when we want, and, especially, freedom from responsibility. Because if you're high on the job, and you slip up, you shouldn't have to pay. Your company should. And I should be representing you.
Bill Clinton having a terrible time finding a bunker for the upcoming apocalypse
When that failed, Clinton Clinton softly
When his attempts at quelling fears of indiscretion fell short, Clinton Clinton
Bill was last seen at Wal-mart purchasing a tent, a portable DVD
player, a bottle of moisturizer, and a Mossberg 500 shotgun. On his way out, Clinton
"BIG FOOT DEAD" exclaims Barrack Obama to an overjoyed America
The news came as a welcome relief to millions who believed the elusive beast would never be caught. However, some detractors believe Big Foot’s execution was a waste. Dr. Jack Pace, renowned UNLV anthropologist noted, “What would have been a huge source of information has been permanently washed away.” The white house press secretary responded by releasing a statement saying “Bigfoot was armed. He had a rock the size of an avocado and our military had to act.” However, that statement was later retracted when sources reported that the rock was in fact, an avocado.
Perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that President Obama removed the mammoth’s body the same night. Skeptics believe the hasty disposal of Bigfoot was done to prevent any proper procedure of identification. “Let me say this,” Barrack responded. “Big foot was given a proper burial at an undisclosed region of the forest in line with Big Foot traditions.”
Further proof of a cover-up, doubters say, is evidenced by the government’s refusal to release any photos. When asked why, Barrack responded by saying, “Look, the pictures were gross. Remember what Saddam’s kids looked like in the photos when we killed them. Well, it was like that, but a lot hairier.”
While DNA evidence was cited as primary evidence of his identification, researchers were quick to point out that without prior DNA to match up with, there’s no proof. This issue has already been exploited in Mississippi where John Bueller, a reverend at a local church, claims he has identified the body of Jesus by matching it up with DNA in his garage.
The famous `Big Foot` speech, given by President Obama on May 1st marks the same day in 1945 that Hitler was announced dead. It is also the same day President George W. Bush gave his “mission accomplished” speech. “If you ask me,” Mike D. from Marietta tweeted, “Barrack’s just gearing up for campaign re-election and he’s fabricated the whole thing to boost his polls.” To counter, Barrack issued a twitter response of his own saying, “That’s simply not true. We caught it, and it’s dead. For God’s sake, if we had to prove every single time that we killed someone considered to be a national threat, I wouldn’t have time to take a shit.”
As of press time, Barrack is in Scotland where he is rumored to have tracked down and slaughtered the Loch Ness Monster.
Courtney Love cancelled off CSI:Miami for implausible murder story
“At first, I was really impressed.” the CSI producer said.
“We knew she could act, but we had no idea she had so much knowledge about
murder.”
The director’s decision to move her to the writing
department came with a lot of resistance. I was leery, head writer, Bradley
Bell, said. She comes off like this drugged-up airhead stumbling around
aimlessly. But when one of the writers suggested a murder disguised as a
suicide, she perked right up, “File a missing persons report, tell the police
the victim is a danger to himself and owns a gun, pay some low life fifty grand
to kill him, and be in another state when it happens.” Courtney blurted out
before passing out on the desk.
“She’s really pushy,” Ann, one of the staff writers, said. “The
[writing] team agreed that the victim should have a history of drug abuse so
that the murderer could exploit this to incapacitate him in order to pull the
trigger, but Courtney suggested heroine at a lethal dosage. “Who injects a
shit-ton of heroine, and then while they’re experiencing the best high ever, shoots
themself?” To which Courtney responded, “Maybe he shot himself in the head first,
then injected the heroine, assfuckholes!” She then broke her fifth of Vodka over
the side of the round table.
After stealing one of the writer’s mac book pro’s and
locking herself in the bathroom, Love returned several hours later with the
completed episode and a nose full of cocaine.
The murder scene was ridiculous,” added another staff
writer. You have a 5’7, 130 lb. man inject three times the lethal dosage of
heroine, then somehow roll down his sleeves, put the needle neatly back into a
box, pick up a shot gun that’s so long he could only fire it at himself with his toe, and when police arrive, find him with his shoes on. I mean,
really? I’ve heard of writing drunk, then editing sober. But this bitch is
writing drunk and editing high.
Staff editor, Jonathan Glassner, confronted Courtney after
reading a scene where a witness who claimed to have turned down an offer from
the widow to kill the husband passed a polygraph test by one of the best
polygraphers in the country with 99.7% accuracy. “When I asked her why she made
it so obvious that the widow mastermind the murder, she said, “You still don’t
know she did it because lie detectors can’t be used in court.” “I was like,
Courtney, people will still know the widow’s the murderer! So she was like,” “Okay
fine then, the widow will just have the witness killed by a train.” “That’s
when it became apparent. I have to re-apply to law school and get the fuck out
of show biz.”
Then came the suicide cover-up scene. Staff writer Sunil Nayar
remarked, “Courtney, you had the hit man wipe the fingerprints off the pen and the gun." “Smart,
right?” “No, because it’s kind of hard to write a suicide note or shoot
yourself without leaving fingerprints.” “Don’t worry. They don’t find anyone
else’s fingerprints either.” The biggest problem was the suicide note itself, which was a poem the victim wrote plus two additional lines tacked on to give it a 'suicide' feel. “Honestly, and I feel like I’m talking to a five year old here, but it's a dead giveaway when the handwriting doesn't match. Not to mention, the widow, who
was facing a divorce, inherits tens of millions from this guy’s estate when he
dies. How is this not the most obvious sign of a clear motive?” Courtney took a drag off her cigarette and replied, “You guys just don’t understand
the power of bribes and blow jobs.”
While her brief stint didn’t last, CBS was quick to give
Courtney her own crime scene investigation show where quote, “viewers can believe
in the stupidity of the police department and their unwillingness to reopen cases even in
the face of overwhelming evidence.” So coming next fall, CSI:Seattle starring Courtney Love and O.J.
Simpson.
9/11 Conspiracy Theorists still hold onto belief that Bin Laden was behind attacks
One of the conspiracy theorists, a man who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I know this isn’t gonna sound mainstream, but 911 was committed by Arab terrorists to scare America. Probably because they want us to wear towels on our heads.” Upon hearing that 911 was actually an inside job designed to bolster American support so that the U.S. could occupy the Middle East to secure dwindling reserves of oil to ensure the economic stability of our nation, the man replied, “So what? That’s probably nothing compared to how much Michael Moore made off his stupid documentary.”
Other conspiracy theorists have come forward with their ideas of what they think happened. Bob Baxter of Kansas had this to say, “Look, I’m pretty in touch with what’s going on. I have a facebook account. Now, I’ve been doing some independent research, and I haven’t told any of my friends because it would blow their mind, but steel melts at 1,500 degrees Celsius. Well, guess what? Jet fuel burns at 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Do the math. The World Trade Center came down because the fuel melted the steel columns.” When told that Fahrenheit and Celsius are not equal and that upon conversion, steel melts at 2,750 degrees Fahrenheit, rendering his theory useless, the man shouted, “Fuck you! I don’t have to listen to your horse shit facts. You don’t have a science degree. Unlike your liberal, hippie followers, I think for myself!”
While most conspiracy theorists were seemingly closed off to any amount of facts or logic, yelling phrases like “I’m a patriot!” in defense of their views, others, like Jack Woods of Kentucky, made an attempt to be open minded. “My son bought me a copy of Loose Change to watch. I put the documentary on and thought, ‘this’ll be a good chance to bond with my son.' But after five minutes of fact, after fact, after fact, I got confused and angry. I work forty hours a week, so I don’t have the time or the energy to connect one thing to another thing.
“Just tell me the bottom line, Andrew.” Jack said to his son. “Fine, Dad. It says it would have been impossible for the buildings to collapse at free-fall speeds because the steel columns provided resistance.” “Give it to me straight, son. What are they getting at?” “That the phone conversations heard from the airplane were faked. Voice morphing technology existed and in one recording a son identified himself by telling his mom his first and last name.” “I don't understand. What’s the message?" “That at least seven of the supposed hijackers turned up alive.” “I’m not following you, son. What are you trying to say?” “I’m trying to say that our government, the U.S. government was res—“I’m sorry, son. Let’s do this another time. I’m gonna go take a nap.”
“It made sense in the beginning,” non-conspiracy theorist Ron Abrams said. “I remember when I first saw that clip of Middle Easterners burning the American flag after the attacks, all I could think was, ‘DESTROY!” But then I learned that, that taping was from before 911 and totally unrelated. I didn’t really judge conspiracy theorists at the time, but then they tried to push going into Iraq when there was no real connection to Afghanistan. So then I was a bit less tolerant of conspiracy theorists views, especially considering Saddam was Bush’s dad’s arch rival and the only weapons of mass destruction found turned out to be like some napalm and a bottle rocket. But by the time it came out that NBC was owned by General Electric, a defense manufacturing company among other things, I came to two conclusions. Number one, war’s big business, and if you follow the money, you’ll find the culprit. And number two, conspiracy theorists are a bunch of fucking retards. Holy shit. These people make Gary Busey seem like Steven Hawking."
Head of the conspiracy theory movement, Fox News, roundly rejected Mr. Abrams assessment and released a statement on their blog saying, “We work tirelessly to give you an unbiased, comprehensive viewpoint. And we will not believe anything those mainstreamers say unless we see something that says 911 was an inside job on Fox News.
Dell accidentally creates laptop battery that well exceeds warranty
