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Overzealous Lunch Lady pushes for silverware ban

Following 3rd grader Tommy Duncan's trip to the ER after accidentally jabbing himself in the lip with a fork, Lunch Lady and notorious bitch, Martha Ingram, declared an all-out war against silverware at Dickinson Elementary School. “We have to protect these kids, even if it means from themselves.” Responded Bobby Adams, 10, “Uhh... How am I gonna eat this spaghetti?”

While "Silverware Control" was initially thought to apply only to metal forks and knives, it has since been extended to include any and all silverware including plastic. When asked why an outright ban is being politicized as Silverware Control, Alexis, 6, responded, “My tummy huts.”

To garner compliance from the students, posters of propaganda have been hung in the hallways, including a child with a fork through his eyeball and the slogan, Fork You. A rebellious 4th grader recently received a week’s detention for scribbling on one, “Fork’s don’t kill people, people kill people.”

In another unexpected twist, the menu has changed, but for the worse. Said 5th grader Julie Harris  “I thought they would give me more finger food like pizza and cookies, but all they give me is soup and chili."

The ban was initially devised by Principal and avid NRA activist, Martin Baxter, who behind closed doors had this to say. “Between you and me, forks are ten times more likely to help keep you alive then to kill or hurt you or someone else, but we need an excuse to take away any defense against us. Truth is, the budget has been cut and pretty soon, the kids are gonna riot when they find out the playground has been sold and converted into a parking lot.”

Continued Martin, “But if we keep them starving, they won’t have the energy to fight back. Still, it’s a risk. Due to busing in children from neighboring districts, there’s over 300 students in each grade. That’s 1,500 kids. You couldn’t even fight off ten 6-year olds. Tops, five. But if they’re withered and starving, that’s a completely different story. The ratio’s not in the teacher’s favor so something had to be done to level the playing field. That’s why all the silverware’s in the teacher’s lounge. To control the population”

When asked what he thought about gun control, Martin took a drag of his cigarette, looked the reporter square in the eye and said, “From my cold, dead hands.” 


Leonardo DiCaprio slated to star as Gilbert Godfrey in upcoming blockbuster

After successfully playing legendary historical figures such as Howard Hughes, J. Edgar Hoover and Jay Gatsby, Leo will undertake his most challenging role by stepping into the shoes of comedian and former voice of the Aflac duck, Gilbert Godfrey in the soon-to-be-released movie, Godfrey.

"Getting into character is hard," said the prestigious actor from his Beverly Hills mansion. "I have to squint my face for like five minutes before each take." "Don't even get me started on the voice." Leo has reportedly been treated multiple times for laryngitis after spending hours trying to impersonate the comedian's very-specific speech pattern. "af-LAC. AF-lac. AFLAC. how COME, HOW come, HOW COME..." a hoarse DiCaprio could be heard from his million dollar trailer experimenting with different intonations.

While originally just a hidden camera joke set to be aired on "Pranked," neither Ashton Kutcher nor anyone else can now bring themself to tell Leo the truth. "With the amount of star power that Leonardo DiCaprio brings to the table, this will most likely be released in theatres," said Imagine Entertainment executive Barton Meyers. When asked how the movie will fare compared to his other works, the exec said, "Not well, but still better than J. Edgar." 

Illiterate man steals newspaper


Old couple impatiently waiting for something to complain about


New Coppertone SPF 100 great for people who love to touch themselves


Stripper gets tetanus after twirling on rusty pole


"How am I gonna to come up with rent?" She texted coworker Candylicious from the emergency room, "when I can't dance and I have lock jaw?"


Upcoming Internet Porn Removal Sparks Revolution

Shockwaves were sent through cyberspace Friday morning when, under the guise of a new bill entitled, Internet Children's Protection Act (ICPA), any and all porn is set to be stricken from the web in the upcoming month. Said Atlanta Attorney, Roger Waverly, "I work 60 hours a week to pay a mortgage I can barely afford to support a wife I truly hate. Now you're telling me THAT is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Screw that!" This sentiment was echoed by the nation's single population as well. "Look," unemployed local man Jerry Pursay said, "Every day I'm on the internet fighting for our civil liberties, but I can only sign so many petitions before I have to take a break. I have come to realize all my fighting was for the breaks. 

Though turning 95% of the American population into debt slaves, eroding civil liberties, expanding surveillance and draining what's left of the economy through unnecessary wars, nothing has stirred the people to the point of actually doing something like the ICPA bill. Said historian Robert Aims, "There hasn't been so much outward cry and blind rage since the bombing of Pearl Harbor." Amidst this crisis of "epic proportions," there has been one positive effect. Apparently people are actually learning how to be a part of the democratic process. Said local boob, Jim Preston, "I found out who my congressman is, signed a petition and everything. Hell, I may even vote in the next election to replace him if he doesn't return porn."

While the bill will most likely be defeated before it hits the floor, government officials will most likely repackage the bill and try to get it passed as an anti cyber terrorism bill. "Well," said a Cincinatti local, "If it's for our nation's security, it might be for the best."