Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Leonardo DiCaprio slated to star as Gilbert Godfrey in upcoming blockbuster
"Getting into character is hard," said the prestigious actor from his Beverly Hills mansion. "I have to squint my face for like five minutes before each take." "Don't even get me started on the voice." Leo has reportedly been treated multiple times for laryngitis after spending hours trying to impersonate the comedian's very-specific speech pattern. "af-LAC. AF-lac. AFLAC. how COME, HOW come, HOW COME..." a hoarse DiCaprio could be heard from his million dollar trailer experimenting with different intonations.
While originally just a hidden camera joke set to be aired on "Pranked," neither Ashton Kutcher nor anyone else can now bring themself to tell Leo the truth. "With the amount of star power that Leonardo DiCaprio brings to the table, this will most likely be released in theatres," said Imagine Entertainment executive Barton Meyers. When asked how the movie will fare compared to his other works, the exec said, "Not well, but still better than J. Edgar."
Stripper gets tetanus after twirling on rusty pole
"How am I gonna to come up with rent?" She texted coworker Candylicious from the emergency room, "when I can't dance and I have lock jaw?"
Courtney Love cancelled off CSI:Miami for implausible murder story
“At first, I was really impressed.” the CSI producer said.
“We knew she could act, but we had no idea she had so much knowledge about
murder.”
The director’s decision to move her to the writing
department came with a lot of resistance. I was leery, head writer, Bradley
Bell, said. She comes off like this drugged-up airhead stumbling around
aimlessly. But when one of the writers suggested a murder disguised as a
suicide, she perked right up, “File a missing persons report, tell the police
the victim is a danger to himself and owns a gun, pay some low life fifty grand
to kill him, and be in another state when it happens.” Courtney blurted out
before passing out on the desk.
“She’s really pushy,” Ann, one of the staff writers, said. “The
[writing] team agreed that the victim should have a history of drug abuse so
that the murderer could exploit this to incapacitate him in order to pull the
trigger, but Courtney suggested heroine at a lethal dosage. “Who injects a
shit-ton of heroine, and then while they’re experiencing the best high ever, shoots
themself?” To which Courtney responded, “Maybe he shot himself in the head first,
then injected the heroine, assfuckholes!” She then broke her fifth of Vodka over
the side of the round table.
After stealing one of the writer’s mac book pro’s and
locking herself in the bathroom, Love returned several hours later with the
completed episode and a nose full of cocaine.
The murder scene was ridiculous,” added another staff
writer. You have a 5’7, 130 lb. man inject three times the lethal dosage of
heroine, then somehow roll down his sleeves, put the needle neatly back into a
box, pick up a shot gun that’s so long he could only fire it at himself with his toe, and when police arrive, find him with his shoes on. I mean,
really? I’ve heard of writing drunk, then editing sober. But this bitch is
writing drunk and editing high.
Staff editor, Jonathan Glassner, confronted Courtney after
reading a scene where a witness who claimed to have turned down an offer from
the widow to kill the husband passed a polygraph test by one of the best
polygraphers in the country with 99.7% accuracy. “When I asked her why she made
it so obvious that the widow mastermind the murder, she said, “You still don’t
know she did it because lie detectors can’t be used in court.” “I was like,
Courtney, people will still know the widow’s the murderer! So she was like,” “Okay
fine then, the widow will just have the witness killed by a train.” “That’s
when it became apparent. I have to re-apply to law school and get the fuck out
of show biz.”
Then came the suicide cover-up scene. Staff writer Sunil Nayar
remarked, “Courtney, you had the hit man wipe the fingerprints off the pen and the gun." “Smart,
right?” “No, because it’s kind of hard to write a suicide note or shoot
yourself without leaving fingerprints.” “Don’t worry. They don’t find anyone
else’s fingerprints either.” The biggest problem was the suicide note itself, which was a poem the victim wrote plus two additional lines tacked on to give it a 'suicide' feel. “Honestly, and I feel like I’m talking to a five year old here, but it's a dead giveaway when the handwriting doesn't match. Not to mention, the widow, who
was facing a divorce, inherits tens of millions from this guy’s estate when he
dies. How is this not the most obvious sign of a clear motive?” Courtney took a drag off her cigarette and replied, “You guys just don’t understand
the power of bribes and blow jobs.”
While her brief stint didn’t last, CBS was quick to give
Courtney her own crime scene investigation show where quote, “viewers can believe
in the stupidity of the police department and their unwillingness to reopen cases even in
the face of overwhelming evidence.” So coming next fall, CSI:Seattle starring Courtney Love and O.J.
Simpson.
The Onion officially sells out
“While we’ve spent the last 20-some-odd years mocking the corporate world and everything about it, we feel that there is nothing mainstream about these particular products,” Will said, while adjusting his Rolex watch. “There’s absolutely nothing about the Ford Fiesta we could mock,” Carol Kolb, co-executive producer/head writer, added while getting a massage. “Now there’s a hip, counterculture car.”
The Onion’s national digital advertising director, Matt McDonagh, echoed a similar notion. “We believe these products are in line with our viewers. The average reader wants to be perceived as someone who `drinks,` but not a `drinker,` someone who cares equally about fresh breath and a recognizable name, and finally, someone who reads the title of our articles and goes, “I get it,” and shares it on facebook without wasting valuable office time reading the whole thing or deciphering some deeper social undertone.
“It’s not like I don’t wanna write about what I think really happened with Bin Laden,” one of the political writers said, while smoking what he was contractually obligated to refer to as `a refreshing Camel Light.` “It’s just, our revenue stream depends on sheer volume of consumers clicking on advertisements, and our sponsors don’t want us alienating any would-be clients.” “But,” added the writer, “I mean, we can still use biting satire. It just has to be about a topic less polarizing, like the Canadian Prime Minister. Man, I got a good one about him and maple syrup.”
“Look, we’re not in Wisconsin anymore,” said Will, now donned in a full-body Altoid jumpsuit to a room full of writers. “Unfortunately, due to budgetary constraints, we’re going to have to let some of you go. Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. And if you could try and remember to submit your articles with TPS cover sheets that would be great. Okay? Thanks!”
"I PREFER THE TERM MUSICIAN"
Says Britney Spears to fan after lip synching her hit songs which she neither wrote, composed nor choreographed.
Radio stations vow to play your favorite song until you hate it
Following a lack of repetition in
the music industry, radio stations have taken notice and agreed to increase the
frequency to which it plays top twenty hits. Ryan Seacrest apologized to a
crowd outside of the KISS FM radio station, "I am so sorry that we have
been exposing the public to so many new artists. From now on, we're only
shoving Rihanna, Lady Gaga and maybe one other musician down your throat."
"What about the classics?" A girl screamed
at Ryan. “I want to hear Oops I did it again by Indie artist Brittany
Spears,” the 21 year-old fan shouted before hurling a perfume bottle at his
head.
To counter the eclectic taste of music
put out by radio, new stations are popping up that just focus on one song at a
time. 98.4, “the repeat,” has been playing Katy Perry’s “Part of me” nonstop
for the last three weeks. A pre-recorded audio tape for the station said “And
now, 45 minutes of uninterrupted “Part of me” followed by Katy Perry’s, “Part
of me.”
While
99.9% of the music industry agrees with Ryan, there are a few detractors. Ralph
Gleason of Rolling Stone magazine had this to say, "All new music is a rip
off of something else, repackaged and played on rotation until your ears bleed,
but it could be worse. They could just digitally remaster them and re-release
the same shit like movies do.”
"I did it the hard way"
Says Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, Gwyneth Paltrow, daughter of Blythe Danner, Jennifer Aniston, daughter of some soap star, Tori Spelling, daughter of 90210 producer Aaron Spelling, Ben Stiller, son of Jerry Stiller, Christian Slater, son of casting director Mary Jo Slater, Paulie Shore, son of Comedy Store founder Mitzi Shore, Lorraine Nicholson, daughter of Jack Nicholson, Colin Hanks, son of Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie, daughter of John Voigt, Nicolas Cage, nephew of Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola, Drew Barrymore, daughter of everyone, Keifer Sutherland, son of Donald Sutherland, Jeff and Beau Bridges, sons of Lloyd Bridges, Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen, sons of Martin Sheen, Sean Astin, son of Patty Duke, Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Ron Howard, Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, George Clooney, Drew Barrymore, Zooey Deschanel, and 1,496 other actors, directors, and producers.
MAN IN BACKGROUND OF DOCUMENTARY WON'T STOP STARING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA LENS
“Seriously, will somebody get this guy out of here? Jesus! Now, he’s awkwardly following the camera.”
ON A MISSION TO OUTDO AVATAR, DISNEY RELEASES 4D MOVIES
"Said one child, "What the fuck am I looking at?"
