Showing posts with label Human Interest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Human Interest. Show all posts
Pathological liar running out of stuff to lie about
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| Martin w/ 2 bikes he's never ridden |
“The 90’s were a good decade. Nobody knew how to verify anything. But with facebook following your every thought and Twitter following your every move, you have to plan your lies way in advance. It’s practically as time consuming as actually doing the shit you're lying about.”
Martin recently ran into trouble when he told the other attendants his hair loss was due to chemotherapy. “Yeah, I don’t know,” 18 year-old coworker, Brian Farson said. “I looked up chemo. It shouldn’t leave hair around the side of your head.” Another fib that nearly cost him all credibility occurred when he told Billy Taylor, the most gullible valet, that he was the inspiration for Eminem’s hit song, Stan. “The guy fucking dies at the end of the song. What’s that about? And his name’s not even Stan. What the fuck?”
Psychologist Janet Price weighed in on Martin’s condition. “In a low-status, menial job like parking cars, most workers would validate their self worth by telling a white-lie, such as their occupation’s part time. Martin, on the other hand, would have you believe he’s really a millionaire who moonlights by “test driving” cars at night. “Yeah,” responded Tyler, a 21 year-old valet, “And the rest of the year I’m a janitor at MIT who spends his time on hallway blackboards solving crazy fucking math problems.”
Disbelief in Martin’s stories bubbled to the surface four weeks ago when he claimed he attended the Royal wedding. “Fifteen years ago, it would fly,” said Martin. “Now if you want credibility, you need 100 freaking facebook pic’s with tags. That’s great, if anyone from the Royal family would accept your friend request.”
Further hindering Martin’s lie was his inexperience with photoshop. “Fucking thing took a week. One, because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and, two, because I must’ve masturbated 100 times. If anyone asks, it was 1,000.” Martin’s attempts at splicing his face onto other guests at the Royal wedding were met with skepticism, in particular with Martin’s boss, Andy. “I saw the picture of him with his arm around Kate Middleton. You could fit three of Kates’ heads into one of his heads.” “No, really,” responded Martin. “She has a tiny fuckin` head, bro.”
While Martin has no plans to stop lying anytime soon, he’s learned to scale it back. “It’s quality over quantity. No more “I took a shit that was literally the size of a football” every time I use the bathroom. Now, it’s like every 3 days. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to start small and pace yourself. There’s no where to go once you claim you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger’s real first illegitimate son.”
Nerd cannot believe he is still in the friend zone
While making no attempt at his outside appearance or hygiene, Pinkowitz believes Meadows lack of attraction towards him is because she hasn’t really gotten to know him. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing. Meanwhile, she’s dating Tom Adams because I guess he can throw a football farther than anyone else. Yeah, there’s a great reason to like someone.”
Pinkowitz has been enamored with Stephanie since freshman year. “Even then she had bouncy hair and perky breasts. But looking past all that, the one thing that always stood out for me is her gleaming complexion."
Though the two have almost nothing in common, Norman holds out hope that they will one day be united. “Hey, opposites attract. She just needs to break out of this superficial phase she’s been going through since the sixth grade.”
When asked if he would consider taking Mary Finkerton, a sweet, good-hearted classmate, to prom, Norman replied, “Uh, yeah, if she lost like thirty pounds.”
Man incarcerated for shooting fireworks off in celebration of Independence Day
Said the man as he was being dragged away, "Freedom!"
Tatted up Biker regrets ever getting tattoos after walking into Starbucks
Snake eyes, avid Harley rider, went through shock and dismay
Friday when he went into a local Starbucks and observed that nearly every
customer displayed a tattoo. “It was as if I'd entered some parallel universe
where everything cool was uncool and vice versa."
In a strange twist of fate, the person in line in front of
him had the same tattoo. “There they were, my signature pair of dice on the arm of a fat
lesbian. I almost shit!”
“Nice tat,” the lesbian added before ordering a mocha
frapaccino with non-fat soy milk and checking her iPhone. “I wanted to break a
bottle over her head,” added Snake Eyes. "I didn't get ink forcefully injected into my skin for a fucking conversation piece."
Adding further insult to injury, the lesbian was with her
partner, sporting a flowered sleeve tattoo, and her adopted three year-old daughter who
approached Snake eyes, poked him on the arm and laughed. “I mean, what could I do? For two decades these tats symbolized pain and terror, and in the blink of an eye they were reduced to kiddy magnets."
Continued Snake, “All I wanted to do was take out the chick
that works there. Now I wish I never heard the name Samantha. Tattoos used to stand for tough and edgy, now apparently they stand for laptops, whip cream and hybrids.”
“Look, I didn’t complain when gays and lesbians took the
rainbow, and I sure as hell didn’t care when they took good dance music, but
for the love of Satan, leave the fuckin’ tats to the bikers.”
30-something guy can no longer tell which 20-something guys are gay
In my day, frosted tips, short shorts, ankle
tats, vegans and soft-spoken guys were not of the heterosexual persuasion.Teen never seen anything interesting in the 1st person
Said high school sophmore, "I went to a Lady Gaga concert! Wanna see the whole thing on my cell?"
Door Man grants entry based on inner beauty
“But this shirt cost $250,” said club hopper Martin Aaron. “The spot is not on your shirt, but on your soul,” Tom said as he crossed Martin’s name off the list.
I’m all for different perspectives and all that,” said manager Bill, “but that new door guy’s letting in way too many fatties.” In defense of his choices Tom said, “Every one of those ladies had a bright aura.” Replied Bill, “Dude, they’re fucking whales!”
While it looks like Tom will be a permanent fixture at the club, given his uncle is the owner, the attendance of the once hot-spot is dwindling. “This club has really gone downhill,” said club regular, Bobby Thomson. “I mean, the girls are nice and all, but I can’t fuck nice. I heard this new club down the street, Privilege, has a scale, and if the girl weighs over 115 pounds, they don’t get in. Now that’s where I wanna buy $15 drinks.”
Bus driver's dream of making it as a cab driver not what he envisioned
In addition to being thrown up on, Farhan has been yelled at, spit on, stiffed, and flashed. "It's never the genitals you want to see," remarked Mr. Abadullahram. After just two weeks on the job, he's considering other options. "The other day, this guy honked at me. His passenger rolled down the window, yelled, "FUCK YOU" and gave me the finger. As he put his hand back in, I noticed he was being driven in a limo." Now that looks like a great job.
Only exposure to English Culture aquired at a pub
"I'd like a Stella," Mark said to the English bar man who replied, "Four quid." When asked about his experience in another country Mark replied, "I really think I understand these people. And I attribute it all to alcoholism."
`EPIC` OFFICIALLY LOST ALL MEANING TODAY
Earlier this morning Delaware native, Brian Harris, used the word epic to describe purchasing the last bag of cheetos at his local gas station, putting the final nail in its coffin.
