Harvey Aster, 72 year-old pharmacist and widow, dispenses medication, followed by judgment, staff at a local pharmacy reported Monday. “Here’s your child’s ADHD medication,” the pharmacist said to Nancy Dickens, mother of three. “There are alternative ways to improve your child’s grades. Have you considered a lobotomy? You might benefit from one as well.”

The pharmacist does not confine judgment to merely parents and children. He told a stunned teenage girl, “Here’s your gonorrhea medication. Normally I’d recommend a contraceptive to prevent further sexually transmitted diseases, but in your case I’d suggest getting it sewn shut.” The asst. manager weighed in on the incident, “We don’t consider that sound medical advice.” Added the pharmacist, “I’ll just keep your prescription on file for when you catch the STD again.” When asked about the last comment, the girl replied, “He didn’t have to use the intercom.”

Judgment also extended to customers using the blood pressure machine. “Don’t bother,” Dr. Aster said to overweight man, “the machine doesn’t measure gravy levels.”

In addition to judging patients, customers have also complained about the pharmacist’s attitude.” He’s pretty rude,” an epileptic patient added after being told, “Stick a sock in your mouth next time you’re having a seizure, or next time you’re thinking about complaining about the wait.” The customer added, “I tried to put a complaint in the suggestion box, but there was a needle sticking out of the slot.”

Sociologist Martha Tailgate weighed in on the doctor’s behavior. “Ironically, people in a skilled profession that are not well behaved are more competent at their occupation to compensate for a bad temperament. But in this case, the guy just needs to hire a prostitute.”

While the decision to let him go is still being debated by upper management, the pharmacist continues to dispense medication and judgment. “I know he’s abrasive,” Manager Ryan Adams said. “But then, so is Dr. House and he gets results.” Reflecting on what he said, Ryan added, “Maybe Harvey isn’t House, but at least he hasn’t killed anyone yet.”

“The problem has been that clinical trials in yeast and bacteria take years to yield results. Meanwhile, every day cute little kitties are dying of this nasty virus. Something had to be done to shorten the length of these studies, and humans happen to provide a reliable animal model without crossing ethical boundaries of experimenting on the animals themselves,” said PETA spokeswoman Laura Ashford.

“It’s really a win/win situation,” continued Ms. Ashford. “We get to learn more about this disease, and the homeless people get a place to stay for a few weeks in our state-of-the-art testing facility.”

Said Marvin Williams, homeless guy, “Them steel cages ain’t the most comfortable place to sleep. In fact, they cold as hell. But they give ya hot soup every morning, so I guess it make up fo` it.”

“The bottom line isn’t finding a cure, it’s preventing the disease,” said Amy Adams, Public Health specialist. “So while poking and prodding the homeless has a purpose,

the real issue is controlling the reckless behavior of these cats not using protection.”

“Funding for felines is abysmal,” said Laura. “You don’t see an FIV walk, or a drive to raise money for FIV. Not only does homeless testing cost less, but they make ten dollars a day, cash. “That fine by me,” added Marvin.

Still a majority of people do not support FIV testing. Reverend Bob Thomas of St. Louis said, “FIV is God’s way of punishing cats for sins of the flesh. Their owners are not free from sin either. They should have the decency to get these animals spade or neutered.”

While a cure isn’t around the corner for cats living with FIV, with this new program of experimenting on the homeless, hope is on the horizon. “Yeah,” continued Laura, “if those human-rights assholes don’t ruin it for us.”

For a while Dr. Price was really excited. “Yeah, it’s totally symmetrical and capable of all kinds of practical applications,” Dr. Price told a group of curious female PhD students. Then the day of the unveiling occurred. “Uh, Nick,” a startled colleague pointed out in front of the entire department. “That’s just a wheel.”

It took Dr. Price a minute to process that what he invented has already been in existence for thousands of years. “I felt sorry for him,” Department head, Bob Odom, later reported. “But what could I say? I mean, it probably could be used to transport beakers and other lab equipment, but then he’d have to make three more.”

When the futility of his quest was fully realized, a frustrated Dr. Price finally spoke. “SHIT, SHIT, DOUBLE SHIT,” he said before a stunned group of colleagues. “14 fucking years down the drain,” he added. Sociologist Bill Hammel assessed the situation. “Dr. Price’s reaction is not unlike other colleagues who were either scooped in their invention or just accidentally reinvented something, like in this case. Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t hang himself.” Dr. Price was last seen at McHoney’s, a sports bar and grill, ordering a round of tequila shots for himself and three female patrons.

“Researchers include friends you’ve lost touch with.”