Pharmacist dispenses medication/judgment

Posted by The Satire Wire


Harvey Aster, 72 year-old pharmacist and widow, dispenses medication, followed by judgment, staff at a local pharmacy reported Monday. “Here’s your child’s ADHD medication,” the pharmacist said to Nancy Dickens, mother of three. “There are alternative ways to improve your child’s grades. Have you considered a lobotomy? You might benefit from one as well.”

The pharmacist does not confine judgment to merely parents and children. He told a stunned teenage girl, “Here’s your gonorrhea medication. Normally I’d recommend a contraceptive to prevent further sexually transmitted diseases, but in your case I’d suggest getting it sewn shut.” The asst. manager weighed in on the incident, “We don’t consider that sound medical advice.” Added the pharmacist, “I’ll just keep your prescription on file for when you catch the STD again.” When asked about the last comment, the girl replied, “He didn’t have to use the intercom.”

Judgment also extended to customers using the blood pressure machine. “Don’t bother,” Dr. Aster said to overweight man, “the machine doesn’t measure gravy levels.”

In addition to judging patients, customers have also complained about the pharmacist’s attitude.” He’s pretty rude,” an epileptic patient added after being told, “Stick a sock in your mouth next time you’re having a seizure, or next time you’re thinking about complaining about the wait.” The customer added, “I tried to put a complaint in the suggestion box, but there was a needle sticking out of the slot.”

Sociologist Martha Tailgate weighed in on the doctor’s behavior. “Ironically, people in a skilled profession that are not well behaved are more competent at their occupation to compensate for a bad temperament. But in this case, the guy just needs to hire a prostitute.”

While the decision to let him go is still being debated by upper management, the pharmacist continues to dispense medication and judgment. “I know he’s abrasive,” Manager Ryan Adams said. “But then, so is Dr. House and he gets results.” Reflecting on what he said, Ryan added, “Maybe Harvey isn’t House, but at least he hasn’t killed anyone yet.”

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