After spending all morning removing an ‘indescribable stain’ off the pews from last nights influx of homeless people, Reverend John Banks decided to reconsider Christianity’s ‘open arms’ policy. “I understand the Lord says, ‘thou shalt clothe and bathe thy neighbor,’ but whoever wrote that never smelled Bob or Jack.”

When the Reverend brought his concern to the congregation, he was met with almost unanimous support. Debbie, a longtime churchgoer, shared her experience with the failed policy. “When I asked one of them [homeless person] if he was there to receive the divine power of the Lord, the guy responded he was there for the heat. Why can’t we be more like the Jews? I’m sure they don’t have heating bills like ours.”

Another member chimed in, “How can we have an open arms policy when I would rather hug an elephant turd? It’s time to cross our arms.”

Upon receiving the news of the new ‘crossed-arms policy,' the homeless community is divided on where to stay. “We could go to the shelter,” one homeless man said. Another responded, “no way, they make you work.”

As of press time, most castaways could be found at various coffee shops drinking iced water and talking to a broken cell phone to mask schizophrenia. 


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