PETA set off waves of debate this morning when it was discovered that the animal activist group has been experimenting on homeless people by injecting them with FIV to try and come up with an effective treatment for felines.

“The problem has been that clinical trials in yeast and bacteria take years to yield results. Meanwhile, every day cute little kitties are dying of this nasty virus. Something had to be done to shorten the length of these studies, and humans happen to provide a reliable animal model without crossing ethical boundaries of experimenting on the animals themselves,” said PETA spokeswoman Laura Ashford.

Some scientists disagreed with Laura’s viewpoint. “I’m concerned these humans aren’t being treated ethically,” said Dr. Aimes, a clinical scientist who uses mice to evaluate spinal cord injuries. “Is the lab environment clean? Are they being fed? Is there a giant hamster wheel they can exercise on?”

“It’s really a win/win situation,” continued Ms. Ashford. “We get to learn more about this disease, and the homeless people get a place to stay for a few weeks in our state-of-the-art testing facility.”

Said Marvin Williams, homeless guy, “Them steel cages ain’t the most comfortable place to sleep. In fact, they cold as hell. But they give ya hot soup every morning, so I guess it make up fo` it.”

“The bottom line isn’t finding a cure, it’s preventing the disease,” said Amy Adams, Public Health specialist. “So while poking and prodding the homeless has a purpose,
the real issue is controlling the reckless behavior of these cats not using protection.”

“Funding for felines is abysmal,” said Laura. “You don’t see an FIV walk, or a drive to raise money for FIV. Not only does homeless testing cost less, but they make ten dollars a day, cash. “That fine by me,” added Marvin.

Still a majority of people do not support FIV testing. Reverend Bob Thomas of St. Louis said, “FIV is God’s way of punishing cats for sins of the flesh. Their owners are not free from sin either. They should have the decency to get these animals spade or neutered.”

While a cure isn’t around the corner for cats living with FIV, with this new program of experimenting on the homeless, hope is on the horizon. “Yeah,” continued Laura, “if those human-rights assholes don’t ruin it for us.”


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