Dehydration diet ends in disaster

Posted by The Satire Wire

27 year old Registered Dietitian
and Dehydration Diet Advocate
A controversial new diet that has left hundreds dead in its wake has gained popularity with hospital Registered Dietitians (RD). “Before, our jobs were pretty boring.” Emory RD Chelsea Hall reported. “All we ever did was fill out a bunch of paperwork, I guess to protect us against lawsuits, and the longer they live, the more paperwork we have to do. Now, with the dehydration diet, it’s just one simple waiver. The trick is getting them to sign, but once they do, that’s it. Then I guess they get transferred somewhere else in the hospital.”

Certified Clinical Nutritionists have moved to have the diet stricken from the American Dietetic Association (ADA). “If it was banned, it’d be a real kick in the pants,” a legal representative for the ADA, Evans Banister, said. “Follow the numbers, they add up fast. Interns are happy because they don’t have to spend so much time monitoring patients. It’s a real boost for the bottom line.” “Please, give me some water,” responded patient Eleanor Degrada, 83.

While the dehydration diet has been phased out due to the backlash in lawsuits, Registered Dietitians continue to espouse the benefits of the fast-but-dangerous fad. “The body is made of 70% water,” Gretchen Aldo, RD, reported. “That means a 200 pound person who successfully completes the dehydration diet can get down to 60 pounds.” “I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” said a 5’1, 210lb. mother of four before being strapped down by four orderlies and sedated.

“The key is to not give in to their selfish desires that will only take them away from their goal.” reported Registered Dietitian Angela Abraham. When asked why the 83 year old elderly lady was put on the diet, Evan Banister responded, “There were a number of factors that went into that decision like age, gender and the fact that Eleanor doesn’t have medical insurance.” A subsequent attempt for a response was not possible as three hours later, Ms. Degrada died of dehydration. 


Post a Comment