The news came as a welcome relief to millions who believed the elusive beast would never be caught. However, some detractors believe Big Foot’s execution was a waste. Dr. Jack Pace, renowned UNLV anthropologist noted, “What would have been a huge source of information has been permanently washed away.” The white house press secretary responded by releasing a statement saying “Bigfoot was armed. He had a rock the size of an avocado and our military had to act.” However, that statement was later retracted when sources reported that the rock was in fact, an avocado.
Perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that President Obama removed the mammoth’s body the same night. Skeptics believe the hasty disposal of Bigfoot was done to prevent any proper procedure of identification. “Let me say this,” Barrack responded. “Big foot was given a proper burial at an undisclosed region of the forest in line with Big Foot traditions.”
Further proof of a cover-up, doubters say, is evidenced by the government’s refusal to release any photos. When asked why, Barrack responded by saying, “Look, the pictures were gross. Remember what Saddam’s kids looked like in the photos when we killed them. Well, it was like that, but a lot hairier.”
While DNA evidence was cited as primary evidence of his identification, researchers were quick to point out that without prior DNA to match up with, there’s no proof. This issue has already been exploited in Mississippi where John Bueller, a reverend at a local church, claims he has identified the body of Jesus by matching it up with DNA in his garage.
The famous `Big Foot` speech, given by President Obama on May 1st marks the same day in 1945 that Hitler was announced dead. It is also the same day President George W. Bush gave his “mission accomplished” speech. “If you ask me,” Mike D. from Marietta tweeted, “Barrack’s just gearing up for campaign re-election and he’s fabricated the whole thing to boost his polls.” To counter, Barrack issued a twitter response of his own saying, “That’s simply not true. We caught it, and it’s dead. For God’s sake, if we had to prove every single time that we killed someone considered to be a national threat, I wouldn’t have time to take a shit.”
As of press time, Barrack is in Scotland where he is rumored to have tracked down and slaughtered the Loch Ness Monster.