In what experts are calling the scam of the century at the highest level, all major car companies have been implicated in willingly and purposely rolling out dorky cars to the American public. “It all started when we fired the project managers,” said Ford motor company president Robert Fox to a jury. “We had no idea they were taking the engineers geeky designs and making them cool.” Added Fox, “Terminating them was like giving the football to the valedictorian during the big game and then standing by idly while he throws it like a girl.”

The general consensus in the courtroom was that cool costs too much. “The average consumer has a budget between eight and twelve thousand,” a Kia marketing directing said. “That falls about forty grand short of anything that will get you laid.” “Cars cost a lot of money to design,” Honda spokesman Donna Richards added. “By the time we realized cars were designed with the same lack of charisma and sexiness as their drivers, it was too late. Fortunately, at the peak of geek, Napoleon Dynamite came out and was wildly accepted. Talk about sheer luck. All of a sudden it was cool to be lame. At that point there was no turning back. I’m sorry America.”

Another horrible trade off has been a reduced 0-60 mph time in exchange for advances in technology. “Come on,” Scion founder John Lee said under oath. “You want to drag race in one of our shit boxes? Even if you win you lose.” “Why do I have to sacrifice my dignity for increased gas mileage?” said one Prius owner. Added another, “I’m tired of guys in Maseratis throwing eggs at me.”

As the trial unraveled, it was revealed that designers knowingly fazed out sexy curves in favor of a more boxy look. “What the fuck happened?” An angry car-owner yelled. “It’s like you’re dating this hot, petite chick, next thing you know she totally let herself go. How did my car turn into Christina Aguilera?”

Not every automobile company president showed remorse. Toyota's president went on record as saying, “Sure, we have access to all colors of the rainbow. But as long as these kids think it’s awesome to be boring, we’re sticking with black, white and forty-seven shades of gray. And if someone really feels the need to express themself, we have a few other options.” After a moment, he retracted his statement saying, “No, you know what? If you wanna express yourself, paint a fucking picture and post it to facebook.”


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