You guys don’t do anything. You go to work, come home and sit on the couch watching everybody else live. That’s my fucking job! Seriously, with the advent of the internet every fucking time I try and be omnipresent it’s like I just walked into a live version of chat roulette, nothing but dudes whipping out their dick and jacking it.
The only time you idiots interact anymore is on Facebook. Seriously, if Denise posts one more status update about what she’s cooking for dinner tonight, I’m sending a thunder bolt down and electrocuting that boring cunt. I didn’t breathe life into you so you could grow up to tell the world, “mmm, tuna casserole with a side of mashed potatoes for me and my hubby!”
You have medications for all your “imperfections.” Great, now you’re boring fucking shells of your former self. I didn’t give you manic depression so you could take Lithium and discuss your feelings. I want you to cut your fucking ear off and mail it to your ex.
All your goddamn rules are taking all the fun out of life. Worse, it’s making it so fucking hard to kill anyone what with your blinking cross walk signs and Heimlich maneuver charts. Did it ever occur to you that I want someone to walk in front of a bus or choke on a pretzel? It’s called social-fucking Darwinism. He coined it, I invented it, and you guys are ruining it with your fucking helmet laws. The good die young? Not anymore. You know how hard it is to kill some boring-ass loser without taking out an exciting man? Tell you what, if you can crash a plane and keep the 12 people that actually entertain me alive, you can have eternal bliss.
Can you really not see how fucking lame you’ve become? Kids are experimenting less and less. Couples are waiting longer and longer to have a baby. Me-dammit, I don't even have a mouth and I'm yawning. Seriously, I’m only gonna say this once- get off your ass, travel, chase a dream, take a risk, be original and do it quick, because I’m seriously considering changing the fucking channel. Don’t believe me? Just ask the dinosaurs who stopped roaming the earth in lieu of eating, sleeping and shitting.