Citing abysmal relations with wife Hillary Clinton, coupled with concerns of sharing a confined space with a known philanderer, Bill Clinton has thus far been ostracized from a safe bunker when the world ends this upcoming September.

Clinton pleaded his case to an ice-cold crowd at the Bilderberg meeting“I feel the tension, I do, but we must put aside our differences and realize that when we start the human race over in 2014, you may not want ‘Bubba,’ but you’re gonna need ‘Bubba.’ Assuming there are any above-ground survivors, I think I can apply my foreign diplomacy skills to quell the overwhelming anger these people will have for leaving them to die for the sake of having more space in our underground mansions. Unless, of course, you want the same PR our ancestors got for boarding the rafts of the Titanic.

When that failed, Clinton resorted to reassuring congressman he would not have sexual relations with their wives. “Let us not forget that the Denver airport has miles of underground bunkers, each separated by thousands of pounds of steel and concrete, so it’s not like I’m going to bore a hole through the wall like some Shaw shank redemption mission to get to your significant other.” Added Clinton softly, “Not when I’ve got a thirty year supply of batteries and a pocket pussy.”

When his attempts at quelling fears of indiscretion fell short, Clinton resorted to more drastic measures, such as threatening to start a mass panic. “I have over one million followers on Twitter. It wouldn’t be hard to tweet to them that Planet X or Nibiru will be orbiting our solar system, throwing off the gravitational field and allowing deadly radiation from the sun to penetrate our atmosphere frying anyone not in safe seclusion.” Unfortunately, his threat was dismissed when former investigative attorney Kenneth Star stood up and said, “Maybe that theory is in line with Einstein’s prediction for a polar reversal, as well as why the Mayan Calendar ended, but no one’s gonna believe the guy who said the stain on Monica’s dress was from a McDonald’s apple pie. “It was!” Responded Clinton before murmuring to himself “Among other stuff.”

Bill was last seen at Wal-mart purchasing a tent, a portable DVD player, a bottle of moisturizer, and a Mossberg 500 shotgun. On his way out, Clinton cocked the gun and told the receipt checker, “Ain’t nobody getting Slick Willie’s porn.” 


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