I know what you're thinking. "He's a lawyer, so he's not on my side." Well, I can assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. Our founding fathers put forth a doctrine in favor of freedom, and I support that belief, especially considering how many good lawsuits come from idiots doing what they want.

Take diving boards, for instance. Totally fun, right? I agree. Yet "the man" has to take them away from all our swimming pools. Come on! Here's why we need diving boards back. Number one, fathers have to assume the role of "diving board," flinging their kid in the air. It looks pathetic, the kid never gets high enough to do anything cool, and the father gets tired. How many unnecessary shoulder operations occur each year because Dad blew out his arm flipping his fat kid? Probably more than you think. Second, if that same fat kid slips on a diving board, it's jackpot city for me.

How about all these "warning labels" on food products. Here's why they need to come off. Firstly, if someone were to, say, choke on a marshmallow, maybe they deserve to die. I mean, if we don't let him eliminate himself, he'll be the guy fucking up your drive-thru order. Second, labels limit a company's liability. Do you know how much a wrongful death suit is worth? A fucking lot.

Don't even get me started on "mandatory drug tests." Jesus! What happened to the land of the free? The bottom line, people, is we as a nation need to rise up and take back what was taken from us. Only then can we enjoy our freedom. Real freedom. Like freedom to do what we want, when we want, and, especially, freedom from responsibility. Because if you're high on the job, and you slip up, you shouldn't have to pay. Your company should. And I should be representing you.