Showing posts with label Politics/Economy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics/Economy. Show all posts
Overzealous Lunch Lady pushes for silverware ban
Following 3rd grader Tommy Duncan's trip to the ER after accidentally jabbing himself in the lip with a fork, Lunch
Lady and notorious bitch, Martha Ingram, declared an all-out war against silverware at Dickinson
Elementary School
While "Silverware Control" was initially thought to apply only to metal forks and knives, it has since been extended to include any and all silverware including plastic. When
asked why an outright ban is being politicized as Silverware Control, Alexis, 6, responded, “My tummy huts.”
To garner
compliance from the students, posters of propaganda have been hung in the
hallways, including a child with a fork through his eyeball and the slogan, Fork
You. A rebellious 4th grader recently received a week’s
detention for scribbling on one, “Fork’s don’t kill people, people kill
people.”
In
another unexpected twist, the menu has changed, but for the worse. Said 5th grader Julie Harris “I thought
they would give me more finger food like pizza and cookies, but all they give
me is soup and chili."
The ban
was initially devised by Principal and avid NRA activist, Martin Baxter, who
behind closed doors had this to say. “Between you and me, forks are ten times
more likely to help keep you alive then to kill or hurt you or someone else, but we
need an excuse to take away any defense against us. Truth is, the budget has
been cut and pretty soon, the kids are gonna riot when they find out the
playground has been sold and converted into a parking lot.”
Continued
Martin, “But if we keep them starving, they won’t have the energy to fight back. Still,
it’s a risk. Due to busing in children from neighboring districts, there’s over
300 students in each grade. That’s 1,500 kids. You couldn’t even fight off ten
6-year olds. Tops, five. But if they’re withered and starving, that’s a
completely different story. The ratio’s not in the teacher’s favor so
something had to be done to level the playing field. That’s why all the
silverware’s in the teacher’s lounge. To control the population”
When
asked what he thought about gun control, Martin took a drag of his cigarette, looked
the reporter square in the eye and said, “From my cold, dead hands.”
Upcoming Internet Porn Removal Sparks Revolution
While the bill will most likely be defeated before it hits the floor, government officials will most likely repackage the bill and try to get it passed as an anti cyber terrorism bill. "Well," said a Cincinatti local, "If it's for our nation's security, it might be for the best."
Bill Clinton having a terrible time finding a bunker for the upcoming apocalypse
When that failed, Clinton Clinton softly
When his attempts at quelling fears of indiscretion fell short, Clinton Clinton
Bill was last seen at Wal-mart purchasing a tent, a portable DVD
player, a bottle of moisturizer, and a Mossberg 500 shotgun. On his way out, Clinton
"BIG FOOT DEAD" exclaims Barrack Obama to an overjoyed America
The news came as a welcome relief to millions who believed the elusive beast would never be caught. However, some detractors believe Big Foot’s execution was a waste. Dr. Jack Pace, renowned UNLV anthropologist noted, “What would have been a huge source of information has been permanently washed away.” The white house press secretary responded by releasing a statement saying “Bigfoot was armed. He had a rock the size of an avocado and our military had to act.” However, that statement was later retracted when sources reported that the rock was in fact, an avocado.
Perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that President Obama removed the mammoth’s body the same night. Skeptics believe the hasty disposal of Bigfoot was done to prevent any proper procedure of identification. “Let me say this,” Barrack responded. “Big foot was given a proper burial at an undisclosed region of the forest in line with Big Foot traditions.”
Further proof of a cover-up, doubters say, is evidenced by the government’s refusal to release any photos. When asked why, Barrack responded by saying, “Look, the pictures were gross. Remember what Saddam’s kids looked like in the photos when we killed them. Well, it was like that, but a lot hairier.”
While DNA evidence was cited as primary evidence of his identification, researchers were quick to point out that without prior DNA to match up with, there’s no proof. This issue has already been exploited in Mississippi where John Bueller, a reverend at a local church, claims he has identified the body of Jesus by matching it up with DNA in his garage.
The famous `Big Foot` speech, given by President Obama on May 1st marks the same day in 1945 that Hitler was announced dead. It is also the same day President George W. Bush gave his “mission accomplished” speech. “If you ask me,” Mike D. from Marietta tweeted, “Barrack’s just gearing up for campaign re-election and he’s fabricated the whole thing to boost his polls.” To counter, Barrack issued a twitter response of his own saying, “That’s simply not true. We caught it, and it’s dead. For God’s sake, if we had to prove every single time that we killed someone considered to be a national threat, I wouldn’t have time to take a shit.”
As of press time, Barrack is in Scotland where he is rumored to have tracked down and slaughtered the Loch Ness Monster.
