Following 3rd grader Tommy Duncan's trip to the ER after accidentally jabbing himself in the lip with a fork, Lunch Lady and notorious bitch, Martha Ingram, declared an all-out war against silverware at Dickinson Elementary School. “We have to protect these kids, even if it means from themselves.” Responded Bobby Adams, 10, “Uhh... How am I gonna eat this spaghetti?”

While "Silverware Control" was initially thought to apply only to metal forks and knives, it has since been extended to include any and all silverware including plastic. When asked why an outright ban is being politicized as Silverware Control, Alexis, 6, responded, “My tummy huts.”

To garner compliance from the students, posters of propaganda have been hung in the hallways, including a child with a fork through his eyeball and the slogan, Fork You. A rebellious 4th grader recently received a week’s detention for scribbling on one, “Fork’s don’t kill people, people kill people.”

In another unexpected twist, the menu has changed, but for the worse. Said 5th grader Julie Harris  “I thought they would give me more finger food like pizza and cookies, but all they give me is soup and chili."

The ban was initially devised by Principal and avid NRA activist, Martin Baxter, who behind closed doors had this to say. “Between you and me, forks are ten times more likely to help keep you alive then to kill or hurt you or someone else, but we need an excuse to take away any defense against us. Truth is, the budget has been cut and pretty soon, the kids are gonna riot when they find out the playground has been sold and converted into a parking lot.”

Continued Martin, “But if we keep them starving, they won’t have the energy to fight back. Still, it’s a risk. Due to busing in children from neighboring districts, there’s over 300 students in each grade. That’s 1,500 kids. You couldn’t even fight off ten 6-year olds. Tops, five. But if they’re withered and starving, that’s a completely different story. The ratio’s not in the teacher’s favor so something had to be done to level the playing field. That’s why all the silverware’s in the teacher’s lounge. To control the population”

When asked what he thought about gun control, Martin took a drag of his cigarette, looked the reporter square in the eye and said, “From my cold, dead hands.” 


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