Citing abysmal batting averages and lack of the long ball, fans gathered outside MLB commissioner Bud Selig's office earlier this afternoon to express their discontent with the game and an overwhelming desire to once again pump players full of steroids.

One fan told reporters, "Defense don't win. Offense do. George W. Bush got that, and it's about time Selig did too." Said another fan, "If I wanted to live in a country where the national past time resulted in a 2-1 score, I'd move to Europe and root for some faggy soccer team. But as long as I'm driving a GMC suburban and drinking 48 ounce Big Gulps, I wanna see some fucking home runs!"

In addition to returning the players to steroids, other suggestions by the crowd to spur on offense include replacing wooden bats with aluminum, making the ball twice the current diameter, and moving the fence in 100 feet. After nailing their demands to the commissioner's door, a riot broke out when a house wife told the crowd, "that's just softball." "FUCK THAT!" one fan said as he doused the hall with gasoline before lighting it.

Fan approval for steroid use ranged from the uneducated to medical professionals. "I don't see the big deal," Cincinnati fan and illiterate guy, Tom Briggins, said, "I mean, sure, steroids make your head get bigger and your feet grow. Well, I'd love to have bigger feet `cuz it makes people think you got a big dick, and it would too if your balls are shriveled up." Another fan sided with Briggins saying, "Yeah, so you got acne all over your face and neck, nobody cares you're ugly when yer hittin dingers!" Dr. Bernstein, Atlanta Braves fan and Endocrinologist, had a scientific view on the matter. "Side effects of steroids include sexual dysfunction and increased risk for cardiovascular disease. But that's a small price to pay to put a smile on my kid's face. Not to mention I just paid eight dollars for this withered up hotdog."

While major league officials decide whether to legalize steroids or at the very least, pretend gaining 25 pounds of muscle in your forearms is natural, other measures to increase viewership have already been approved and include locking the team's mascot in a cage with the very animal they represent. While most teams have agreed, some mascots refuse to participate until they're given medical coverage. The Oriole bird of Baltimore went on record saying, "Oriole's are known for pecking a hole in bark, and my suit's made out of rubber." Baxter the Bobcat of Arizona echoed a similar notion, "Dude, I'm gonna get fucking eaten. Just let the freaks have their roids."


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