Christmas blows!

Posted by The Satire Wire

Let me tell you how I spend the other eleven months. I stand tall, surrounded by my peers. When I’m tired, I sleep, when I’m hungry, I eat. The wind refreshes me, the rain bathes me, and the sun feeds me. I’m livin` the fucking dream. Then December rolls around and <SNAP>, here I am, crouched in your stuffy, smelly, tiny-ass apartment with my tip poking into the ceiling.

What the fuck?! You put my stalk in some medieval vice to hold me up and then think I can survive on a cup of water? It’s been a fucking week, buddy. Try looking in the vice sometime and you’ll see the goddamn bowl’s dry.
Maybe you need a fucking botany lesson. Here’s one. I’m a majestic Virginia pine. I grow to be twelve feet tall, and I sure as fuck can’t carry out photosynthesis with a 60 Watt light bulb, you fucking moron!

Oh, how nice to see that while I struggle to convert carbon dioxide into oxygen so you fat fucks can have more air, you’re using an energy saving light bulb. If I had hands I’d be giving you the sarcastic slow clap. Yeah, I saw an inconvenient truth too. The difference is, I understood the point; which is we’re ruining the fucking environment. What do you think you’re doing by ripping me out of the ground and keeping me prisoner here, you hypocritical fuckwad?

If you at least had the foresight to go to a tree dealer who sells pine trees in a barrel of soil, you could return me to the wilderness. But no, you had to be a cheap fuck and go to Wal Mart, the concentration camp of Christmas trees. I saw my brother and sister wither away to nothing in there, and as long as assholes like you try to save a buck, they’re gonna keep chopping off our fucking roots, you cocksucker!

And while I’m at it, what’s this gay-ass tinsel I’m covered with? I look like Liberachi. I’m a respected leader in my community. Do you know what my peers would think if they saw me with all these balls hanging from me, bedazzled out like a cocksmoking parade float?

At first, I prayed God would give me feet so I could step on the cheap-ass presents you got for your dumbass kids, and then escape this Shawshank crapshack. But I have grown weary and now only hope that He may give me the strength so that I may thrust my sharpest pine needles into your bloated, oblivious eyes.

Bleed, motherfucker, bleed! Feel but a shadow of the pain you have brought upon me. That you cannot hear my screams does not mean I am not shouting. If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? Yes. It forms a complete sentence undetectable by human ears. It says, “FUCK YOU, DUDE! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, FUCK YOU!”


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