In an attempt to reduce escalating oil costs, the department of energy has green lit a program to use the energy humans generate to power America. "Gyms are the perfect setting to establish a sustainable human energy resource," one official says. "We just have to get them to stay open all night. Furthermore, we don't have to pay them. In fact, they pay us."

Detractors site the slippery slope involved in such a program. How long before this technology creeps into our homes? I'm not jogging for ten minutes on a treadmill just to take a hot shower. However, speculators are quick to point out that human powered energy can be insourced. Sources include the homeless, illegal immigrants and overweight neighbors.

Nursing homes have even hopped on the bandwagon. "It's great," says Matt from Chicago. "I picked up this guy with Parkinson's, strapped the generator to his wheelchair and <BAM>, the guy shakes his way to enough energy for me to make an omelet for myself."

Federal approval of the program is still pending with a bleak outlook. "While I endorsed the ethical side of human powered energy," an anonymous senator said, "the government simply can't make enough money on this one."