Since getting caught for eliciting sex from high-class escorts, Tiger Woods hasn’t won a major tournament and even failed to qualify for the several others. “It’s no secret,” said Woods from the driving range. “My concentration’s off because I can’t stop thinking about all the pussy I’m missing.”

Psychologist Dr. Samantha Everett weighed in on his condition. “Tiger’s lust for winning extends to the bedroom. He needs validation on and off the course, and when both scenarios aren’t working for him, it affects him psychologically.” Tiger had a different take on the matter. “To stay focused on the course, every golfer needs something to look forward to off the course. For me, it was stacking hookers on top of each other to form a fuck pyramid.”

Still, many fans speculate as to why Tiger would resort to such depraved behavior. “Do you know how hard it is to get action in the clubhouse when your biggest fan base is a 65 year-old white man?” Responded Tiger. “Sorry, I don’t get off signing some old flabby guy’s chest. I need primo fucking trim with an ass shaped like a question mark.”

The incident has alienated him from his wife and left Tiger without a sexual outlet. “Do you know how many times I’ve masturbated today? Eleven. Everything on the golf course turns me on: `Driving my wood, getting it in the hole, washing my balls.` I walk up and down the fairway with a constant boner. Shit, they had to alter my pants at the Masters just so I could be televised without scaring the children.”

Historian Donald Mayfield from Stanford believes men of power tend to gravitate toward womanizing and seem to do their best work when they are fulfilling the latter. “Frankly, the country was in its best shape during the Clinton years, pre-Monica Lewinksi scandal.” Said Tiger of Dr. Mayfield’s assessment, “Finally, a dude who gets it. You want fist-pumping Tiger back America? Well, then give me back my three blonde fuck puppets, and stop acting like guys in power don’t do this shit all day long.”


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