Rapture pushed back due to Jesus' haircut

Posted by The Satire Wire

"First off," Jesus, our Lord, said. “I wanted May 21st to be the rapture, I really did. But at the last minute I had a change of heart and finally decided to cut my hair. Problem was Arnie, my regular stylist, was already booked.”

Since putting May 21st in his Blackberry 6 months ago, Jesus has been on a mission to get in shape for his second coming,” “The guy’s an animal,” Moses said. “He spends 3 hours in the gym doing crunches, curls, squats, his lifting technique, by the way, is flawless.”

“Look,” Jesus said while flexing in the mirror, “the world hasn’t seen me in like 2000 years. The last thing I want to hear about is how much I’ve aged. People want to be saved by a God, not a guy with bags under his eyes. Incidentally, the eye cream in heaven is amazing.”

Between his workout regimen, monthly microdermabrasions combined with botox injections and Proactiv, Jesus has really brought his look into the 21st century. “I wasn’t going to go with Birkenstock sandals. They’re way too '80’s. But I was going to hold onto my classic beard and long hair. That is, until I had herbal tea with Ghandi.” “Jesus,” he said to me. “It’s 2011. Times have changed. You can’t be accepted as the savior of mankind if you look like a dirty hippie.”

He was right. Nobody was going to respect a guy who looks like he just stumbled out of a Phish concert. So the first thing I did was shave the beard. Man, that felt good! Razors, by the way, are so much better now. Back in 20 AD, you took your life in your hands every time you shaved your neck. Anyway, when the metamorphosis was complete, I looked in the mirror, and I was shocked. I looked like Scott Stapp from Creed. I knew I had to grow it back because no one’s gonna let a douche into their heart.

So, there I am. It’s May 20th. I’m buff, I’m tan, I’m in command, you know. Then Ghandi’s words hit me, “dirty hippie.” The hair’s been the last obstacle towards a total modern-day Jesus makeover, and I knew it had to go. But I gotta tell you, it was so hard to let go of my long hair. To me, it represented my youth. But my hairline’s not what it used to be, and I didn’t want it to look like I was clinging to something that I had lost. Anyway, long story short, you gotta book with Arnie like 2 weeks in advance. I told him what the deal was so he squeezed me in, but by the time the cut, blow dry and leave in conditioner had taken its effect, I was just exhausted.   

While Jesus is reportedly, “happy with the new do,” he acknowledges that timing is just as important as looks. “You gotta make an entrance,” He said. While He considers it “inappropriate” to show up a day late, He has decided to jump on the Mayan calendar bandwagon and end the world then. “It’ll be pretty easy. The magnetic poles are fixing to switch and solar flares are already going to wipe out the U.S. power grid for months then anyway, so I won’t even have to do the whole fire and brimstone thing. So, listen up world, put December 21st 2012 in your smart phone or ipad `cuz this time I mean it. I’m coming back!”


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