Earlier today, Bob took the podium in front of over 75 friends and family of 23 year-old Adam. “I just had so much emotion that I forgot to proof read the script.” The flop sweat beaded down his forehead as Bob unfolded his speech and opened with, “Adam was the best son a father could ask for. We both loved cars. If he wasn’t working on his car, he was in the garage assfisting me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…"
“The fucking wheels came off the wagon,” said Bob, who decided to end the scheduled 5 minute speech 12 seconds into it. On goers were shocked. “The Bordin’s always struck me as a little off,” said John Abrams, neighbor, “but I mean, letting your son assfist you? That is truly fucked up.”
News spread like wildfire throughout the Mobile, Alabama community. “Shit, Bob and me go back to high school together. He never struck me as the kind of guy who liked to have a man’s forearm up his asshole.”
Further confounding the issue was that Mr. Bordin is a staunch Republican adamantly against gay marriage. “I thought Bob didn’t want gay marriage because it’s against God,” said church acquaintance Michelle Adams, “not because he’d rather play the field.” “Burying your son ain’t natural,” said co-worker Reed Mitchel, “but neither is letting him stink-fist you.”
Though Bob did his best at damage control by sending out a mass e-mail stating in huge letters that his son is not gay and that he made `an egregious typo of the highest magnitude,` the community is not swayed. Ted Bower, convicted sex offender, did little to help Bob’s cause when, outside the funeral, he said to a wincing crowed, “Bob’s just trying to keep it in the family.”
Since the incident, Bob has found little solace. “The grief I’m experiencing right now for my son’s loss is devastating and in no way compares to the amount of shame and embarrassment I feel. Why couldn’t it have been me in that casket?” Bob was last seen in a local Target purchasing Word editing software and a 6 foot rope.