Dehydration diet ends in disaster
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| 27 year old Registered Dietitian and Dehydration Diet Advocate |
Certified Clinical Nutritionists have moved to have the diet
stricken from the American Dietetic Association (ADA). “If it was banned, it’d be a real kick in
the pants,” a legal representative for the ADA,
Evans Banister, said. “Follow the numbers, they add up fast. Interns are happy
because they don’t have to spend so much time monitoring patients. It’s a real
boost for the bottom line.” “Please, give me some water,” responded patient
Eleanor Degrada, 83.
While the dehydration diet has been phased out due to the backlash
in lawsuits, Registered Dietitians continue to espouse the benefits of the
fast-but-dangerous fad. “The body is made of 70% water,” Gretchen Aldo, RD,
reported. “That means a 200 pound person who successfully completes the
dehydration diet can get down to 60 pounds.” “I don’t think that’s such a good
idea,” said a 5’1, 210lb. mother of four before being
strapped down by four orderlies and sedated.
“The key is to not give in to their selfish desires that will only
take them away from their goal.” reported Registered Dietitian Angela Abraham.
When asked why the 83 year old elderly lady was put on the diet, Evan Banister
responded, “There were a number of factors that went into that decision like
age, gender and the fact that Eleanor doesn’t have medical insurance.” A
subsequent attempt for a response was not possible as three hours later, Ms.
Degrada died of dehydration.
Radio stations vow to play your favorite song until you hate it
Following a lack of repetition in
the music industry, radio stations have taken notice and agreed to increase the
frequency to which it plays top twenty hits. Ryan Seacrest apologized to a
crowd outside of the KISS FM radio station, "I am so sorry that we have
been exposing the public to so many new artists. From now on, we're only
shoving Rihanna, Lady Gaga and maybe one other musician down your throat."
"What about the classics?" A girl screamed
at Ryan. “I want to hear Oops I did it again by Indie artist Brittany
Spears,” the 21 year-old fan shouted before hurling a perfume bottle at his
head.
To counter the eclectic taste of music
put out by radio, new stations are popping up that just focus on one song at a
time. 98.4, “the repeat,” has been playing Katy Perry’s “Part of me” nonstop
for the last three weeks. A pre-recorded audio tape for the station said “And
now, 45 minutes of uninterrupted “Part of me” followed by Katy Perry’s, “Part
of me.”
While
99.9% of the music industry agrees with Ryan, there are a few detractors. Ralph
Gleason of Rolling Stone magazine had this to say, "All new music is a rip
off of something else, repackaged and played on rotation until your ears bleed,
but it could be worse. They could just digitally remaster them and re-release
the same shit like movies do.”
Tatted up Biker regrets ever getting tattoos after walking into Starbucks
Snake eyes, avid Harley rider, went through shock and dismay
Friday when he went into a local Starbucks and observed that nearly every
customer displayed a tattoo. “It was as if I'd entered some parallel universe
where everything cool was uncool and vice versa."
In a strange twist of fate, the person in line in front of
him had the same tattoo. “There they were, my signature pair of dice on the arm of a fat
lesbian. I almost shit!”
“Nice tat,” the lesbian added before ordering a mocha
frapaccino with non-fat soy milk and checking her iPhone. “I wanted to break a
bottle over her head,” added Snake Eyes. "I didn't get ink forcefully injected into my skin for a fucking conversation piece."
Adding further insult to injury, the lesbian was with her
partner, sporting a flowered sleeve tattoo, and her adopted three year-old daughter who
approached Snake eyes, poked him on the arm and laughed. “I mean, what could I do? For two decades these tats symbolized pain and terror, and in the blink of an eye they were reduced to kiddy magnets."
Continued Snake, “All I wanted to do was take out the chick
that works there. Now I wish I never heard the name Samantha. Tattoos used to stand for tough and edgy, now apparently they stand for laptops, whip cream and hybrids.”
“Look, I didn’t complain when gays and lesbians took the
rainbow, and I sure as hell didn’t care when they took good dance music, but
for the love of Satan, leave the fuckin’ tats to the bikers.”
30-something guy can no longer tell which 20-something guys are gay
In my day, frosted tips, short shorts, ankle
tats, vegans and soft-spoken guys were not of the heterosexual persuasion.Pharmacist dispenses medication/judgment
Harvey Aster, 72 year-old pharmacist and widow,
dispenses medication, followed by judgment, staff at a local pharmacy
reported Monday. “Here’s your child’s
ADHD medication,” the pharmacist said to Nancy Dickens, mother of three. “There are
alternative ways to improve your child’s grades. Have you considered a lobotomy?
You might benefit from one as well.”
The pharmacist does not confine judgment to merely parents and
children. He told a stunned teenage girl, “Here’s your gonorrhea medication.
Normally I’d recommend a contraceptive to prevent further sexually transmitted
diseases, but in your case I’d suggest getting it sewn shut.” The asst. manager
weighed in on the incident, “We don’t consider that sound medical advice.”
Added the pharmacist, “I’ll just keep your prescription on file for when you
catch the STD again.” When asked about the last comment, the girl replied, “He
didn’t have to use the intercom.”
Judgment also extended to customers using the blood pressure
machine. “Don’t bother,” Dr. Aster said to overweight man, “the machine doesn’t
measure gravy levels.”
In addition to judging patients, customers have also
complained about the pharmacist’s attitude.” He’s pretty rude,” an epileptic
patient added after being told, “Stick a sock in your mouth next time you’re
having a seizure, or next time you’re thinking about complaining about the
wait.” The customer added, “I tried to put a complaint in the suggestion box, but
there was a needle sticking out of the slot.”
Sociologist Martha Tailgate weighed in on the doctor’s
behavior. “Ironically, people in a skilled profession that are not well behaved
are more competent at their occupation to compensate for a bad temperament. But
in this case, the guy just needs to hire a prostitute.”
While the decision to let him go is still being debated by
upper management, the pharmacist continues to dispense medication and judgment.
“I know he’s abrasive,” Manager Ryan Adams said. “But then, so is Dr. House and
he gets results.” Reflecting on what he said, Ryan added, “Maybe Harvey isn’t
House, but at least he hasn’t killed anyone yet.”
Christian leaders rethinking open-arms policy
When the Reverend brought his concern to the congregation, he was
met with almost unanimous support. Debbie, a longtime churchgoer, shared her
experience with the failed policy. “When I asked one of them [homeless person]
if he was there to receive the divine power of the Lord, the guy responded he was
there for the heat. Why can’t we be more like the Jews? I’m sure they don’t
have heating bills like ours.”
Another member chimed in, “How can we have an open arms policy
when I would rather hug an elephant turd? It’s time to cross our arms.”
Upon receiving the news of the new ‘crossed-arms policy,' the
homeless community is divided on where to stay. “We could go to the shelter,”
one homeless man said. Another responded, “no way, they make you work.”
As of press time, most castaways could be found at various coffee
shops drinking iced water and talking to a broken cell phone to mask schizophrenia.
Teen never seen anything interesting in the 1st person
Said high school sophmore, "I went to a Lady Gaga concert! Wanna see the whole thing on my cell?"
