"First off," Jesus, our Lord, said. “I wanted May 21^st to be the rapture, I really did. But at the last minute I had a change of heart and finally decided to cut my hair. Problem was Arnie, my regular stylist, was already booked.”

Since putting May 21^st in his Blackberry 6 months ago, Jesus has been on a mission to get in shape for his second coming,” “The guy’s an animal,” Moses said. “He spends 3 hours in the gym doing crunches, curls, squats, his lifting technique, by the way, is flawless.”

“Look,” Jesus said while flexing in the mirror, “the world hasn’t seen me in like 2000 years. The last thing I want to hear about is how much I’ve aged. People want to be saved by a God, not a guy with bags under his eyes. Incidentally, the eye cream in heaven is amazing.”

Between his workout regimen, monthly microdermabrasions combined with botox injections and Proactiv, Jesus has really brought his look into the 21^st century. “I wasn’t going to go with Birkenstock sandals. They’re way too '80’s. But I was going to hold onto my classic beard and long hair. That is, until I had herbal tea with Ghandi.” “Jesus,” he said to me. “It’s 2011. Times have changed. You can’t be accepted as the savior of mankind if you look like a dirty hippie.”

He was right. Nobody was going to respect a guy who looks like he just stumbled out of a Phish concert. So the first thing I did was shave the beard. Man, that felt good! Razors, by the way, are so much better now. Back in 20 AD, you took your life in your hands every time you shaved your neck. Anyway, when the metamorphosis was complete, I looked in the mirror, and I was shocked. I looked like Scott Stapp from Creed. I knew I had to grow it back because no one’s gonna let a douche into their heart.

So, there I am. It’s May 20^th. I’m buff, I’m tan, I’m in command, you know. Then Ghandi’s words hit me, “dirty hippie.” The hair’s been the last obstacle towards a total modern-day Jesus makeover, and I knew it had to go. But I gotta tell you, it was so hard to let go of my long hair. To me, it represented my youth. But my hairline’s not what it used to be, and I didn’t want it to look like I was clinging to something that I had lost. Anyway, long story short, you gotta book with Arnie like 2 weeks in advance. I told him what the deal was so he squeezed me in, but by the time the cut, blow dry and leave in conditioner had taken its effect, I was just exhausted.   

While Jesus is reportedly, “happy with the new do,” he acknowledges that timing is just as important as looks. “You gotta make an entrance,” He said. While He considers it “inappropriate” to show up a day late, He has decided to jump on the Mayan calendar bandwagon and end the world then. “It’ll be pretty easy. The magnetic poles are fixing to switch and solar flares are already going to wipe out the U.S. power grid for months then anyway, so I won’t even have to do the whole fire and brimstone thing. So, listen up world, put December 21^st 2012 in your smart phone or ipad `cuz this time I mean it. I’m coming back!”

In a surprise move yesterday, NBA all star and 4 time Champion, Shaquille O’Neal announced his retirement from basketball, and his commencement of figure skating. “I’ve been planning this move for a while now,” a spandex-clad Shaq told reporters while gliding on ice. “I still plan to keep up with my daily workout schedule, only instead of practicing spin moves to the basket, I’ll be twirling.”

At 7’1, 345 lbs, Shaquille O’Neal will be the biggest ice skater in the history of the sport. “I know how to use size to my advantage. In basketball, no points are awarded for breaking the backboard. In fact, they stop the game for like an hour. But in figure skating, I’ve got my signature finishing move. I pump my knees up and down like I’m on hydraulics, jump three feet in the air, come down and break through the ice. Talk about an exit.”

But Shaq’s size also presents obstacles. “He kept crashing into the ice skating rink’s walls because he couldn’t slow down in time,” ice skating rink owner Bernie Makovitch said, “So we fastened him with a parachute.” “It actually look good,” Shaq commented on the new appendage. “They told me it’s my cape.”

Since making the transition, Shaq has been meticulously planning his routine. “Music’s important. It sets the tone and keeps you in rhythym. That’s why I’ll be skating to my latest rap album, Shaq Fu: Da return.” In addition to changing the style of music, O’Neal’s moves will be just as original. “I ain’t flexible like some of these other skaters, so I gotta play to my strengths. I’m gonna dribble a basketball.”

Other athletes have not taken kindly to the presence of the superstar. “Uh, first off,” former Olympic ice skater, Scott Hamilton, said while waiving his finger angrily in a circle, “he’s not even gay. Secondly, you can’t use a prop. That’s what couples skating is for.” NBA legend and former teammate, Kobe Bryant, gave reporters his two cents. “If Michael Jordan couldn’t make the transition into baseball, how does Shaq think he’s gonna succeed at ice skating? Sorry, but the man’s sports career is over.” O’Neal had strong words for his doubters, “The toast ain’t toasted till the toaster goes bing.”

Since the announcement, Shaquille’s spirits have been lifted. “I think this is what he was meant to do.” Mrs. O’Neal commented while in a rocking chair on her front porch. “I’ve never seen him so excited before.” Shaquille confirmed his mom’s observation. “I’m having so much fun right now preparing for this. I was up all last night putting rhinestones on my new uniform. Best part is, I don’t have to shoot free throws.”