Scientist who gave life to science discovers he reinvented the wheel
For a while Dr. Price was really excited. “Yeah, it’s totally symmetrical and capable of all kinds of practical applications,” Dr. Price told a group of curious female PhD students. Then the day of the unveiling occurred. “Uh, Nick,” a startled colleague pointed out in front of the entire department. “That’s just a wheel.”
It took Dr. Price a minute to process that what he invented has already been in existence for thousands of years. “I felt sorry for him,” Department head, Bob Odom, later reported. “But what could I say? I mean, it probably could be used to transport beakers and other lab equipment, but then he’d have to make three more.”
When the futility of his quest was fully realized, a frustrated Dr. Price finally spoke. “SHIT, SHIT, DOUBLE SHIT,” he said before a stunned group of colleagues. “14 fucking years down the drain,” he added. Sociologist Bill Hammel assessed the situation. “Dr. Price’s reaction is not unlike other colleagues who were either scooped in their invention or just accidentally reinvented something, like in this case. Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t hang himself.” Dr. Price was last seen at McHoney’s, a sports bar and grill, ordering a round of tequila shots for himself and three female patrons.
QUALITY OF LIFE STUDY FINDS YOU'D BE HAPPIER ALONE
“Researchers include friends you’ve lost touch with.”
"I did it the hard way"
Says Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, Gwyneth Paltrow, daughter of Blythe Danner, Jennifer Aniston, daughter of some soap star, Tori Spelling, daughter of 90210 producer Aaron Spelling, Ben Stiller, son of Jerry Stiller, Christian Slater, son of casting director Mary Jo Slater, Paulie Shore, son of Comedy Store founder Mitzi Shore, Lorraine Nicholson, daughter of Jack Nicholson, Colin Hanks, son of Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie, daughter of John Voigt, Nicolas Cage, nephew of Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola, Drew Barrymore, daughter of everyone, Keifer Sutherland, son of Donald Sutherland, Jeff and Beau Bridges, sons of Lloyd Bridges, Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen, sons of Martin Sheen, Sean Astin, son of Patty Duke, Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Ron Howard, Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, George Clooney, Drew Barrymore, Zooey Deschanel, and 1,496 other actors, directors, and producers.
Drive
I don't know why this movie was so appealing to me, but it was. It's a blend of action and drama, two seemingly opposing genres, yet the director pulls it off magnificently. The movie has the same feel as "Collateral," an 80's urban, noire style, but you just don't know where it's going. The characters are familiar, the psychopath who craves stability (sidenote,what is it about psychopaths that crave stability? From watching Dexter to this, I find the subject fascinating), the fragile single-mother rene-zellwegger type, the adorable kid, the just-got-out-of prison husband, yet the story is nothing of the sort. Ryan Gosling gives a superb performance switching between a psychotic Christian Bale and charismatic Noah Wyle.
This, to me, represents an Indie. Usually, I hate Indies. Why when I hear a guitar strumming in the background of the opening credits am I compelled to turn it off? Indies, to me, represent a credo that I simply don't agree with, namely, that it's okay to accept one's pitiful station in life. All Indies seem to share this common loser thread. It starts with the character in a shitty situation, things happen, main guy/girl fails, main guy/girl learns that it's okay and embraces their still-shitty lives. Fuck that! But this Indie was different. Though he fails, i.e. doesn't get the girl, goes back to shitty life, he accomplishes something noble in the process. He doesn't merely accept his shitty plight, he has no choice, and we understand that if he could get the girl, he would. So for that this is the best Indie I've seen to date. Actually, it's the first Indie I've ever liked. A-
Energy Department unleashes human-powered energy program
Detractors site the slippery slope involved in such a program. How long before this technology creeps into our homes? I'm not jogging for ten minutes on a treadmill just to take a hot shower. However, speculators are quick to point out that human powered energy can be insourced. Sources include the homeless, illegal immigrants and overweight neighbors.
Nursing homes have even hopped on the bandwagon. "It's great," says Matt from Chicago. "I picked up this guy with Parkinson's, strapped the generator to his wheelchair and <BAM>, the guy shakes his way to enough energy for me to make an omelet for myself."
Federal approval of the program is still pending with a bleak outlook. "While I endorsed the ethical side of human powered energy," an anonymous senator said, "the government simply can't make enough money on this one."
MAN IN BACKGROUND OF DOCUMENTARY WON'T STOP STARING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA LENS
“Seriously, will somebody get this guy out of here? Jesus! Now, he’s awkwardly following the camera.”
THE HANGOVER- PART 2
If I had to sum up The Hangover 2, I'd say it was like the movie The Hangover, except in Thailand. Substitute a missing tooth for a tattoo, a baby for a monkey and a vegas stripper for a bangkok hooker and <BAM> you got a sequel. Now, I'm willing to grant some latitude considering it's predecessor was the best comedy in the last 2 years. So fine, recycle your premise, but for fuck sake, don't steal your jokes!
Okay, there's a wedding they need to get to, okay, you got drugged again, okay you lost one of your guys, okay now you need to search for him, okay, wait a minute, the little asian guy's jumping out of a confined space again and beating them up. Time out! Oh, now Stu's gonna sing an impromptu song? I can't laugh b/c I'm busy thinking, "How the fuck did Stu find an acoustic guitar on the boat" and "didn't I already see this w/ a piano?" This movie revamped so much of the original, it should've been called, "The Hangover- Greatest Hits, remastered."
Okay, there's a wedding they need to get to, okay, you got drugged again, okay you lost one of your guys, okay now you need to search for him, okay, wait a minute, the little asian guy's jumping out of a confined space again and beating them up. Time out! Oh, now Stu's gonna sing an impromptu song? I can't laugh b/c I'm busy thinking, "How the fuck did Stu find an acoustic guitar on the boat" and "didn't I already see this w/ a piano?" This movie revamped so much of the original, it should've been called, "The Hangover- Greatest Hits, remastered."
Nevertheless, if you liked the original, you'll like the sequel, just not as much. Overall grade: B
GUY WHO STOLE YOUR CREDIT DESPERATELY WANTS TO GIVE IT BACK
"I can't even get approved for a fucking Ralph's card."
About the writer
I have written and re-written four feature-length scripts yet to be optioned/sold. My area of expertise is comedy. I've written a romantic comedy, an urban comedy, a spoof, and even a political comedy. If you have any questions related to writing or the business of writing feel free to ask...
Department of Transportation rolls out car that runs on gold
The three options will include 14 karat, 18 karat, and 24 karat ranging from $1,400 to $3,400 an ounce. At 32 miles to the ounce, Earth activists are applauding its conservation of fossil fuels. "We were going through a million gallons of oil a day. Now [with gold] you'd be lucky if you used more than a pound a year."
But the new move does not come without its detractors. Skeptics site the need for a 12 karat option. "I mean, sometimes I don't want to spend $700 to drive to the grocery store. With the 12 karat option, I'd save around $100 on that trip." But mostly people are overjoyed at the prospect of cutting financial ties with the Middle East. John Brown, local resident in Atlanta, exclaimed, "Finally, no more sucking on the foreign tit for fuel!"
The Dilemma
Ron Howard should have his comedy directing privileges revoked. On one side, he wanted to let the actors explore the depths of conflict by extending scenes until they were completely tapped out. But then again, he wanted a nice, neat ending that you could see coming a mile away. You can't have both. Do I sound bitter at the man for not giving me any speaking lines in Frost Nixon? Okay, I'm pissed. But seriously, asking him to direct a comedy is like asking Ron Jeremy to direct the next M. Knight Shyamalan movie.
Hopefully, the storyline of when to tell a friend about cheating and the difference when it's a guy versus a girl will be explored much better in a future movie not involving any of this cast or crew. But for now, if you're looking for laughs, please God, look elsewhere. Overall Grade: D+
Bus driver's dream of making it as a cab driver not what he envisioned
In addition to being thrown up on, Farhan has been yelled at, spit on, stiffed, and flashed. "It's never the genitals you want to see," remarked Mr. Abadullahram. After just two weeks on the job, he's considering other options. "The other day, this guy honked at me. His passenger rolled down the window, yelled, "FUCK YOU" and gave me the finger. As he put his hand back in, I noticed he was being driven in a limo." Now that looks like a great job.
Only exposure to English Culture aquired at a pub
"I'd like a Stella," Mark said to the English bar man who replied, "Four quid." When asked about his experience in another country Mark replied, "I really think I understand these people. And I attribute it all to alcoholism."
About the critic
I’m an early 30’s male actor/writer, been in He’s Just Not That Into You and Frost Nixon. My taste is pretty much mainstream. I like movies to be entertaining and uplifting. Here’s a list of my top 150 so you know where I’m coming from.
About the comedian
I've been doing stand-up comedy for over 5 years. Feel free to ask anything related to stand-up comedy or the business of stand-up...
`EPIC` OFFICIALLY LOST ALL MEANING TODAY
Earlier this morning Delaware native, Brian Harris, used the word epic to describe purchasing the last bag of cheetos at his local gas station, putting the final nail in its coffin.
The three essential steps of writing your first screenplay
Okay, you got your big, blockbuster idea. Now how do you write it? Enroll in NYU's film school for a few years? Of course not, you read this article and save the $40K you don't have anyway...
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Outlining your screenplay
I would never begin writing without a plan. Why? Because the plan will change anyway. Once you put your characters in a room together, their interaction takes on a life of its own and it may steer the characters differently. That's okay, but if you don't have a map to begin with, metaphorically speaking, you're going to get lost. Your outline is your map...
Top 10 screenwriting tips
1) For a book, write about what you know. For a script, write about what fascinates you.
2) Pick the genre you're writing before you write and stick to it.
3) Use all emotions regardless of genre. IOW, if you're writing a comedy, also have dramatic moments. It gives your script a sense of reality.
3 crucial tips for your first stand-up gig
I can tell you from experience, the difference between seeing the stage as an audience and coming out as a comedian is like watching the guys jump from the high dive and hanging your toes off the high-dive board. When you look down, it's scary as shit! Here's the best 3 things you can do to minimize nerves and maximize laughs...
To bring friends or not to bring friends, that is the question
There's two reasons to bring friends to see you perform. 1) Support 2) It will separate you from the other comedians...
Writing material
This is hard! Here's why. Your brain and your behavior are two different animals. What you write on paper may not be the guy you are on stage. Imagine Eddie Murphy doing George Carlin's material or vice versa. Okay, you can't b/c Carlin's dead. The point still stands that material is unique for a given comedian...
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Jesus
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All Satire Shirts are trademarked originals with a super-soft feel
and a high-end look. The images are permanently pressed into
the fabric so they never wash out. Satire shirts come with a
14-day money-back guarantee. Buyer assumes shipping.
We ship anywhere within the continental U.S. and Canada.
Hollywood Homicide (2003)
I simply cannot remember walking out of another movie. We only went because we got to meet Harrison Ford at the premiere in Westwood and got his autograph. Believe me, I wanted to like this movie. Since then, I used the autograph as toilet paper and it still wasn’t as shitty as this movie. F
He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
“Okay, I’m a little bias.” First off, if you’re going to see this movie without a girl, see it alone. Here’s why. It’s a chick flick. You’ll feel awkward seeing it with a dude, unless you swing that way. Now, here's the thing, it's actually not bad. You laugh a few times, see part of Scarlett Johansson's boobs, and poof, it's over. So, if you're like me and you trade off one chick flick for one action movie with your girl, this one’s a good pick. B |
Inception (2010)
This movie reminds me of the tale of the emperor’s new clothes. If everybody tells you that it’s smart and deep then for you to speak up and say it’s not makes you appear dumb. Well, after studying at Oxford University and getting a masters degree in clinical neuroscience (yeah, great springboard for an entertainment career), I keeps it simple and don’t worry about intellectual posturing. If you go into the movie wanting to get lost in the dream levels, you will, and you’ll enjoy it. If you try to solve the Rubik’s cube, you’ll discover there’s no algorithm that unravels a ball of bullshit. Just realize what you’re dealing with and you won’t get your hands dirty. B+
Last Holiday (2006)
See now, that's why you go to movies. A tale of hope revamping the "carpe diem" theme originally set in Dead Poet's Society. “Life is short, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it” (Ferris Bueller). Queen Latifa takes Ferris’ advice in this comedy, but out of necessity, not triumph. She's been given three weeks to live. The theme: live each day like it's your last.
Queen Latifa has this down-to-earth persona that really carries the movie from its beginning with her working as a sales associate in a dept. store. Seeing her naturally assume the role of the underdog made me want to cast out every stupid J. Lo movie ever made with her as the suppressed Cinderella who would before long find her prince and shine. The difference? J. Lo's a diva and a brat and her humble-beginnings roles come off as self serving and self indulgent. She'd like to come off like Queen Latifa, but to carry these types of roles it has to come from the heart.
Some people really do appreciate life and everything it has to offer, others just want more. Or as the Antagonist in Last Holiday says "more is never enough." B+
Knocked Up (2007)
First, knocked up is the best comedy of '07, hands down.
Now, the biggest problem I had w/ this movie is not the sincerity of the characters, who were in fact more real than 40 Y.O.V, but the lack of realism in the plot.
First, the bar scene where they meet. Allison, hot successful chick, is not even drunk when she decides to stay w/ dowdy Ben over her sister who is leaving. Reality check, girls always leave together, especially sisters.
Second, the pregnancy. Allison is worried she'll lose her job and be forever linked to a guy she barely knows or likes and she decides to keep the baby. Reality check, American girls in this situation abort. And if not, there'd better be a strong religious aspect or I'm not buying it.
Third, Ben sticks around. Sure she's hot, but they have nothing, and I mean, nothing in common personality-wise. They fight, he decides to finally read the pregnancy books and comes back. Reality check, Ben would not completely change in real life, he’d run. The only way he stays is if she gets forced to have the kid b/c her parents find out and are deeply religious, her job says she can keep and even get promoted in her job if she has segments on E! (where she works) including Ben, and Ben signs something w/ E! that, if broken, would not only get him fired, but deported (he's canadian living in U.S. illegally).
All the tools were there to make this plot an air-tight reality. Unfortunately, I was busy masturbating to Mr. Skin's website during the directing of this film. A-
Now, the biggest problem I had w/ this movie is not the sincerity of the characters, who were in fact more real than 40 Y.O.V, but the lack of realism in the plot.
First, the bar scene where they meet. Allison, hot successful chick, is not even drunk when she decides to stay w/ dowdy Ben over her sister who is leaving. Reality check, girls always leave together, especially sisters.
Second, the pregnancy. Allison is worried she'll lose her job and be forever linked to a guy she barely knows or likes and she decides to keep the baby. Reality check, American girls in this situation abort. And if not, there'd better be a strong religious aspect or I'm not buying it.
Third, Ben sticks around. Sure she's hot, but they have nothing, and I mean, nothing in common personality-wise. They fight, he decides to finally read the pregnancy books and comes back. Reality check, Ben would not completely change in real life, he’d run. The only way he stays is if she gets forced to have the kid b/c her parents find out and are deeply religious, her job says she can keep and even get promoted in her job if she has segments on E! (where she works) including Ben, and Ben signs something w/ E! that, if broken, would not only get him fired, but deported (he's canadian living in U.S. illegally).
All the tools were there to make this plot an air-tight reality. Unfortunately, I was busy masturbating to Mr. Skin's website during the directing of this film. A-
Guess Who (can't direct a movie?) (2005)
I liked it better when the white dude was Ben Stiller and was called meet the parents. If Ashton Kutcher wasn't on personality arrest, it could have gone a different direction. The worst part about this movie is this wasn't even an original screenplay, it's from "guess who" in the 1960's. Get some originality Hollywood and stop robbing the grave. And the whole racial thing going on, nonexistent in my eyes. It was such a promising storyline, I was sure this movie was going to rock. But alas.
The fault lies entirely with the director who wanted desperately to catch that awkwardness that Ben Stiller is renowned for doing. When "Simon" arrives to meet his black girlfriend's parents and the father mistakes the black cab driver for the boyfriend, Simon delivers a hysterical line. "I wish Therese would have told me her parents were black. That would have saved an awkward moment." But instead of letting him say the line, we see the daughter and mom's reaction, then the long pause, then the father's reaction, Simon says the first part. Then it cuts to a close up. Then he says "that would have saved an awkward moment. And immediately it cuts to the father, then Simon who wiggles his eyes side to side in an awkward moment attempt. Then the daughter says something but we don't ever see their reaction. A lot is lost w/o going back and seeing it unfold in front of your eyes, but if you do go back, you can see how the humor was lost, which it was continuosly lost throughout the movie. D
Million Dollar Baby (2004)
Million dollar baby is inappropriately named. Perhaps in the first draft of the screenplay the movie was to steer you into abortion issues, that's the only way I can figure they got "baby" out of the title. Instead, they use boxing as the bait and then switch it to reveal this is to pull at your heart strings over the issue of euthanasia. If I had to sum up this movie in only one word it would be this: EVIL. Two words, evil and depressing. What's the point of a movie? I thought it was to entertain. I was emotionally drained from this film. Maybe those jaded folks out there who are so desensitized that they feel practically nothing got their emotions temporarily resuscitated, but for most normal, feeling people with souls this is just someone saying "life sucks dude. The higher you reach, the harder you'll fall." Screw that kind of mentality, and screw this film. And especially, screw Continetal airlines for showing it and freaking out my innocent girlfriend. C-
Waiting (2001)
“Makes you want to get hammered and do dumb shit”
Now this is why I come to the movies- to laugh my arse off, and that is exactly what "Waiting" does. It's great b/c there's really only two ways to go, you're either cool, so you of course loved it, or you are not cool, in which case you were offended or grossed out, or whatever, who cares, you suck. The trailer says it all, I mean if you like the trailer, you can't not like the movie. But if you went to see if the b!tchy girl who eats a dandruff infested steak gets revenge, well you're in for a disappointment. Monty (Ryan Renolds), the main character, is one of the best upcoming comedic actors around. His style seems to me to be very close to Chevy Chase, upbeat, apathetic yet clever at the same time. It’s not the 40 year old virgin or wedding crashers, but it is a must see if you like-a to party. A- |
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